Thump ow

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, according to the guy at the bike store, and according to my amazing ability to fall up stairs and such. The brakes were still being annoying this morning, so I stopped a few times on the way into work to fart around with them. Came up to a stoplight in the City, and, for some amazingly stupid reason, tried to just yank my feet off the pedals. Not so surprisingly, that didn't work, and I ended up just tipping over--banged my left knee up pretty well, but mostly just felt like the world's biggest dumbass. Tried to look at my shoes, as if it was somehow their fault (suppose it was, in a way). I went after that to the bike store to have them fix the brakes--they still aren't right. And my knee hurts. And I'm supposed to go for a bike ride tomorrow. Blah.

Also not so surprisingly, I've not been terribly productive this afternoon--I'm sure it's because I was traumatised. Really need to get job apps in this weekend, b/c it is very much time to get out of here--I am so bored. Hopefully I will be in a fit state on Sunday to do thinkie type things, after tomorrow night with James... Oh dear indeed. :-0

Anyway, not much else to say at the moment--I'm feeling a bit brain-mush.

Pissed off

I guess I didn't really think I would get the job, and I certainly didn't today after I ran into Tracey and she sort of smiled at me blankly and said 'hello', but I still feel pissed off and hurt. It's clear to me, I think, that they were really just focusing on the managerial background and didn't actually give a rat's ass about stats or analysis skills, which is sort of in line with how this council does things. I just need to get out of here. It's gotten to where it's very difficult for me to focus on day to day work, because I'm so generally annoyed at Charlie, and because all I can think of is out out out out out. I also feel like my brain is turning into tapioca here--there are so many things I can do, but I don't have the experience to do any of them, so I'm right back into the position I was after college when basically I had no marketable skills whatsoever. I think I was designed to daydream and have big thoughts. Academia is probably actually where I should have been, had I only not left geology. I don't see any way to go back though, ever. I'm getting sick as well of repeating everything over and over again to Randolph--he's a lovely guy but my god he doesn't pick up on things very quickly. Basically, I just need out. I need to be surrounded by intelligent, interesting people, and I need to be doing something that is mentally challenging, instead of feeling mentally challenged. Sigh.

On the plus side--I love my new bike, though I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to adjust brakes. I can't decide whether to go out on Saturday or to have a sensible weekend and go for a bike ride. Obviously, that is the better choice, but I am really in the mood to go out and be silly. I wish it weren't so expensive. Anyway, I should go--I'm jsut going to make myself more pissed off the more I write--have to concentrate instead on looking busy and getting out job apps. What fun. Not.

Eyes burn

I have noticed that something distinctly lacking from all the stories about global warming is any discussion about the state of my crappy allergic eyes. I accept that, during the month of April when the cherry trees bloom and all is beautiful and fabulous, my eyes will itch and burn and i will want to claw them out, but I find it particularly distressing that this is happening in February. Of course, it may be made worse by the fact that I went to the sunbed today, though I did wear goggles. Whine snivel.

I have managed to accomplish very damn little at work today, though I did move some numbers around for a woman, and showed a guy how to use the website. Been too busy amusing myself making my first ever e-bay purchase (lock). Oh they grow up so fast, don't they?

I just feel in a bit of a limbo really--don't find out about the job until Monday, and I want to know now now now now now! Not sure why David says I am so impatient... Hmm.

I don't really have anything terribly exciting to say today. I pick up my bike tomorrow--can't wait, though I'm terribly afraid of tipping over with the clipless pedals. Still hoping to cycle to Oxford on Sunday for its maiden voyage--going to kick Kathleen's butt at Monopoly.

But, that said, I'm Audi. It's 545 on a Friday and I can't even be bothered to make an attempt to look busy.

Sigh.

Half an hour

I suppose, like many things, I come to this a bit late--waited for the mobile phone until I'd successfully annoyed the crap out of David, and now it can't be prised from my cold, dead hands. And I suppose, as with many things, that this could feel natural, writing my thoughts, though at present it just feels a bit stilted and silly, and a way to pass the last half an hour before I escape for points south. Who knows...

Why this post on this day and in this place? I think it's a growing, gnawing feeling that I'm skating along through my life, vaguely aware of my day to day activities, the people I meet, conversations I have, thoughts--without ever stopping for a second to register any of it. So, I function on a day to day basis--I progress, but I look back on it a day, or a week, month, whatever, later, and think, what the hell did I actually do? I don't remember, or I remember and it just seems like about a gazillion light years in the past. I suppose that could be just a 'feature' of growing older, as the passage of time seems to speed up (my god I never would have actually believed that, but, like many of those things that 'old farts' say, it's actually true). Scary. Anyway, I think I'm doing this because I have this, perhaps naive, hope that stopping to write things down along the way may actually force me to reflect and remember, rather than just flitting from day to day like a butterfly searching for a perch. It's a nice idea anyway.

The funny thing about all this is that I'm aware at some point that I'm writing in a publicly accessible forum, and that this may have some bearing on what I should say or not say (don't want everyone to know all my proclivities! :-), and I hope that I can become less self-conscious about it as time progresses, because I have to say that at present, it feels pretty damn odd. But then, I was never able to actually keep a journal--god knows how many times I tried. It seemed somehow much more difficult to sit down and write something out with a pen than to sit here, using up Council time, twittering away at the keyboard. Odd.

Anyway, I had my interview today for the Performance Team Leader job--something involving management. I thought I would have sooner plucked my own eyeballs out than ever involve myself with that word--meetings and bureaucracy and general bullshit, but I think I've realized that there is actually potential for coolness--and playing with data until it gets hurt. Always a good thing. Suppose it's the first 'grown up' job I've ever seriously applied to. I seriously underestimated how being an endless student would impact on how I relate to the world, on feeling somehow perpetually 18 and not actually in possession of any marketable skills. But then, the past year and a half has been about pulling myself out of that, I suppose. The cool thing is, I just realized the other day that I've actually managed to have my stay in the UK funded, in one way or another, by UK taxpapers since the moment I stepped ashore. Not bad--even if it has required a little work along the way! :-)

Suppose I will end here, and make some big silly promise to myself to be regular about this, to allow the excitement and drivel of my life unfold in front of me on screen. Wee fun. I look over and see Colin, intent on his number crunching. What a strange forest creature he is--can't ever even get him to look at a forwarded email, because it 'isn't work'. Sigh. I will just have to take me and my bad influence to the gym now.